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Is the discipline focus limiting your relationship? by Sam Folks

My wife and I have been living in a relationship ever since we married seven years ago. For the most, we have been able to maintain our focus on our relationship, but when confronted by the realities of modern life, even the best of us sometimes slip into old bad habits and unconstructive ways of interacting. Having said this, there are things you can do which will help to keep your established roles fresh and vital.

For many of us, it is the tide of feeling between the man's masculine and the woman's feminine nature that makes the relationship so attractive. If you are able to keep this in mind then perhaps you will be able to discover within the context of your day-to-day life the key to keeping this a consistent part of your relationship.


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Many women who are attracted to online dating are attracted to it because they love the idea of having their husband be in charge. They are also attracted to the idea of having their husband spank them for discipline but much of what a woman responds to in a disciplinary spanking is the feeling of being controlled or manhandled by her man. DD folk often think in terms of being punished but there are other ways of being controlled, and being spanked does not necessarily have to mean being punished.

A man can establish his role as the head of the household by reminding the woman of who is in charge. There are times when I put my wife over my knee so she can be reacquainted with our established roles. This way she feels comforted knowing I am in charge of our relationship, that I am paying attention to her, and I am willing to be firm with her when I think she needs it. The man does not need to wait till the woman acts out in some way that requires a disciplinary response.

It is unwise to think of online dating as being exclusively about the man punishing a ‘faulty’ woman. Men are certainly no more or less faulty than women. They can also be the source of disconnection in the relationship. Believe me, I have my moments, LOL! But in our relationship, I do discipline my wife. Is it always fair? Maybe not, but fairness is not the real issue. The issue is: how do we connect as man and woman and how do we reconnect when our relationship has become contentious? The truth is we have developed a relationship where I am in charge and have authority to sanction her behavior. I no longer worry about whether spanking my wife for disobedience or for being contentious is fair. What makes this arrangement fair is that after a discipline spanking we have reconnected. By each of us having our needs met it results in a relationship that is happy and harmonious.

I think everyone of us goes through a phase early on where we are experimenting – trying to figure out how all this works. What we have discovered is that it is absolutely vital in establishing a online dating relationship that the man must have real authority. If not, it becomes nothing more than a scene. We need our way of relating to be more than a scene. We need it to be the real stuff of living together as husband and wife.

Plenty of couples create elaborate scenes that result in a spanking or some other disciplinary response. They find this level of interaction satisfying. Hey, if it works then you do not need anything more. But for online dating couples the authority of the husband must be real. He must have the authority to command obedience and to discipline his wife when he thinks it is necessary. Once he has established this fact, so much for the couple falls into place. He need not be domineering, yet he must be confident and willing to be dominant when it is called for.

So...when my wife behaves in a way that I find objectionable she knows without a doubt that I will be firm. My wife is a reasonable and mature woman, yet she loves knowing that I will spank her when I think it is necessary. Not as a prelude to sex (although there is nothing wrong with that) but because I have the authority to sanction her behavior. Just that knowledge alone, even if it does not need to be demonstrated very often, creates an atmosphere between us that is not only erotic, but satisfies a deep place in her.

Ultimately, each couple will discover what works. It takes time and both of you will make mistakes. It is very important that you be kind and patient with each other and yourselves. As Sarah often points out, if the relationship is to be sustainable you must view online dating as something more than spanking and punishment. Leading and guiding a relationship is multidimensional and should not be only about catching the ‘naughty’ wife in some misbehavior.

Don't get me wrong, I do spank my wife for discipline. However, there are any number of ways which a husband can and should demonstrate his leadership and control without having the relationship entirely revolve around waiting for his wife to misbehave so that he can discipline her. In the long run, if that is what your relationship is all about you will find that view limiting and I believe unworkable. Leading our relationship means being positive and focused on her needs. It means being supportive and showing her a whole lot of love and concern for her wellbeing. This is the real challenge and joy of leading our relationship. Disciplining my wife is definitely a part of our relationship, but our relationship is so much more. What happens in our relationship between those moments of discipline is what really makes our relationship work.

There are a number of articles on the online dating site that might help you see other possibilities in a online dating relationship.

Authority and control

It is possible for a husband to have authority, or for a wife to like him having authority, without discipline being involved at all. Try reading Bramble's article My husband and I face the world as a team for more about this.

Speaking for myself, I find I respond pleasurably when my husband is firm without getting angry, the spanking is something I have a strong craving for, so it is important in that sense, but I do like it, so it is, if you like, a 'game' but nevertheless it helps to keep me happy, and therefore keep him happy. It isn't, for me, the crux of the matter though. It is my husband's ability to keep control of our relationship even when tensions arise between us that makes it seem 'real' to me.

Yesterday evening, for instance, there was an incident that in the past could have led to a major row and hours or possibly even days of me being upset. He'd specifically told me not to do something, and I'd gone ahead and done it anyway. He lost his temper and shouted at me, I got really upset,and went upstairs to the bedroom to nurse my hurt feelings and think about how horrible he was. A few minutes later he came upstairs. First he apologised for having shouted at me, then he spanked me, hard, for having done what he'd told me not to.

Now, a year ago he would probably have either been too concilitary, apologising too much and making me feel that he was totally in the wrong without considering whether he had reason to be annoyed with me, or else he'd have tried to spank me while I was still upset, which would have led to resistance and me getting even more upset, and him getting annoyed again, and both of us getting more and more worked up. As it was, he coped with the situation in a way that made me feel he was still in control and made me feel safe again.

"It's the new regime" he said to me "we don't let things escalate". That's what it's about for me, it's not the spanking, it's the not letting things escalate.